Topeka, KS - High school sophomore Brett Tyson was suspended today 
after teachers learned he may be using PHP.
"A teacher overheard him say that he was using PHP, and as part of 
our Zero-Tolerance policy against drug use, he was immediately 
suspended. No questions asked," said Principal Clyde 
Thurlow.   "We're not quite sure what PHP is, but we suspect it may 
be a derivative of PCP, or maybe a new designer drug like GHB."  

Parents are frightened by the discovery of this new menace in their 
children's school, and are demanding the school do something.  "We 
heard that he found out about PHP at school on the internet.  There 
may even be a PHP web ring operating on school grounds," said irate 
parent Carol Blessing.  "School is supposed to be teaching our kids 
how to read and write.  Not about dangerous drugs like PHP."

In response to parental demands the school has reconfigured its 
internet WatchDog software to block access to all internet sites 
mentioning PHP.  Officials say this should prevent any other 
students from falling prey like Brett Tyson did.  They have also 
stepped up locker searches and brought in drug sniffing dogs.

Interviews with students suggested that PHP use is wide spread 
around the school, but is particularly concentrated in the geeky 
nerd population.  When contacted by BBspot.com, Brett Tyson said, "I 
don't know what the hell is going on dude, but this suspension gives 
me more time for fraggin'.  Yee haw!"

PHP is a hypertext preprocessor, which sounds very dangerous.  It is 
believed that many users started by using Perl and moved on to the 
more powerful PHP.  For more information on how to recognize if your 
child may be using PHP please visit http://www.php.net